Ah Christmas time! It's a time for friends and family. It's also a great time to take a close look at your relationships.
We've all heard that what you give and what you get can have an impact on your relationship. We've also all been told that judging relationships on the presents you get is shallow. This is true, but only to an extent.
If you decide a friendship isn't working because a gift wasn't flashy or expensive enough then yes, you're being shallow, but if you feel like no thought was put into a gift then listen to that feeling.
The real judge of a friendship has nothing to do with the niceness/expensiveness of a gift, but rather with the thoughtfulness of the gift.
Case and point:
I knew a girl, we'll call Sally, who had an incident a few years ago. Sally spent a few days putting together a gift basket for her best friend since highschool, Katie. It didn't cost much to make, but Sally personally knew that her friend would like everything in it.
Then comes the gift exchange. Katie loves the gift basket, and Sally unwraps her gift to find...a one-of-a-million Christmas mug filled with no-name chocolates.
It's something you would expect from someone who barely knows you, not a best friend. Worse, Sally hates holiday mugs/dishes, something a best friend should know. Sally was hurt because it became clear to her that, dispite what she thought, Katie wasn't a very good friend.
The issue is, no matter what you're given, if there's no thought put into the gift you're going to feel disappointed. Worse, if you've put lots of thought into their gift then you're going to feel really hurt.
Despite how we're told not judge a person based on the gifts they give we do and it's not always a bad thing.
The deepness of our friendships can be reflected in the gifts we are given. It can also be a good indicator if the relationship is uneven. As in the example above it was clear that Sally thought more of their friendship than Katie did. It's obvious that they are not on the same page.
So when this happens we need to take a step back and think, "is this typical?" If it is, if your friend is more likely to take than give, then the relationship needs to be re-examined. It makes no sense to invest so much emotionaly in a friend when there's no return.
This may seem shallow, but it's not. Because, it's not the gift that's the problem it's the person behind it. If Sally was a collector of Christmas stuff then the mug would have been perfect, because it's something she likes and Katie would have picked it out for that reason. But Sally hates that kind of thing and has talked about it with Katie before, that means that not only does Katie not have any idea what Sally likes, but she doesn't even listen to what Sally hates. It shows a lazieness on Katie's part and a lack of concideration.
Watching for the signs of a bad friendship is not shallow because no one deserves to be in an unequal friendship.
I'm not saying you need to dump someone over a bad gift, but that you need to think about how it made you feel. If the gift made you feel uncared for then concider if the relationship is has the same problem.
If you find that there is a problem then you need to do something about it. Sometimes it means putting less into a relationship. Sometimes it means distancing yourself. And sometimes it means talking about it to your friend.
There is a flip side. Sometimes you can get a really thoughtful gift, but you barely know the person. This can also be a warning sign that this person is more invested in you then you are ready for.
If you haven't known someone for a very long time and they give you a DVD box set of your favorite show, when you were only thinking about getting them a card, then you need to consider how you feel about this person.
After receiving the gift, instead of immediately running out and buying something expensive to reciprocate, think about it. If you like them and think you could be friends with them, then find something you think they would like.
However, if the idea of spending time with them makes your skin crawl or makes warning lights go off, distance yourself. Return the gift, explaining that you don't feel right accepting it. Make it clear to them that they have gone beyond your comfort zone, and if they try to guilt you ignore it. Don't let people guilt you into action. We all need to stay far, far away from those kind of people.
Now I'll leave you with a few gift ideas and tips for this winter holiday season:
Co-Workers (CW):
I tend to become friends-friends with the people I like from work so they get gifts. But if you have team-mates or a boss you want to give something to, make it a nice card or give them some good quality candy/nuts/chocolate.
Brand New Friends (BNF):
It's likely you don't know much about them yet so anything home made like cards or baked goods is a good idea. If you're not very domestic then buy something small (under $20) that you think they will like.
Can't find anything you think they'll like? Then share your interests. If you like green living get them a book about it, if you love local art get them a cheep print, and so on. Tell them about how you like X and say you wanted to share it with them. It may not be their taste, but they'll like that you're sharing your interests with them.
Old Friends (OF):
It seems like a no brainer. Just get them something they'll like, but with the recession things can be tight and you can't always get them what you want to. So instead of just grabing them a box of chocolates here are some ideas for the financially-impaired:
-Holiday Card list: Make a print, buy some nice blank cards, or get some stationary. Write a letter/note to your friends. It doesn't cost much and it's a super nice sentiment.
-Invite over for dinner. Feeding someone always will put you in their good books.
-Make something like an ornament or scarf. Anything that smacks of effort is a winner.
-Call them, they are your friends after all. They do like to talk to you.
So this holiday take the time to think about your friends, but also accept that gifts say more than the obvious. Don't supress your feelings, it's not being selfish when you recive a gift that seems thoughtless and you feel hurt, it's seeing a warning sign. In the long run it's better to really look at how healthy your relationships are and deal with them when they're not.
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